Conventional wisdom says perfectionism is a strength. However, as a therapist I have witnessed the ways in which perfectionism hooks us, binds us, and shackles our spirit.

The truth is the perfect version of you already exists. And, you don’t have to do anything to earn it. The idea that you can be any more perfect than you already are is a myth. But more on that later.

For now, let’s explore the mindset of a perfectionist. Perfectionists hold tightly to an ideal version of themselves. They believe in the promise of perfectionism: one can avoid failure, judgment, and shame by being perfect. But they end up squeezing and wrenching themselves into something altogether unnatural. We know it takes tremendous energy and diligence to keep up an image of perfection. And it’s an image that threatens to unravel into a messy “imperfect” state at any moment. Yikes! Doesn’t that sound exhausting?

Don't get me wrong; I appreciate passionate people who work hard to achieve their goals. I’m a big fan of effort and persistence. But from a mental health perspective, I’m concerned about the potentially damaging effects of perfectionism. My heart goes out to perfectionists who have convinced themselves that nothing is ever good enough.

Perfectionism can look like:

• Setting unrealistic standards for yourself and/or others.

• Procrastinating until something is “perfect.”

• Being highly critical of yourself and/or others.

• Stressing over minor mistakes.

• Playing small; not taking chances.

• Underestimating yourself and your capabilities.

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I have enormous empathy for folks who are trapped in a perfectionist mindset. The lost opportunities. The bitterness and jealousy aimed at others who seem so chill and carefree. The hours wasted fretting over extraordinarily minute details that no one else will notice or care about. Ugh. Hardcore perfectionists do not allow themselves to relax unless everything is “perfect.” Which, of course, it never is!

But wait, isn’t perfectionism a good thing?

Sure, in small doses. There are plenty of healthy, positive qualities associated with small amounts of perfectionism. Adaptive forms of perfectionism can look like being detail-oriented, goal-directed, conscientious, precise, organized, motivated, trustworthy, and reliable. Some amount of perfectionism is okay as long as there are equal amounts of flexibility, open-mindedness, and an acceptance that many aspects of life are beyond our control.

The Problem

When perfectionism takes over your entire approach to life, it can be destructive. There is no grace — no wiggle room to mess up. Perfectionism can drain your creativity and leave you feeling exhausted and empty.

You may find that you hold yourself to an impossibly high standard and beat yourself up when you cannot meet your goal. Minor mistakes feel epic. To cope with these unattainable, self-imposed standards, you may adopt a strategy of quitting anything you are not immediately good at.

You may also become easily frustrated and impatient when you are not in control of a situation. This saying pretty much sums it up: “I’m easy going…as long as things are going my way.”

The 3 Types of Perfectionism:

1. Self-oriented:

Self-oriented perfectionists are extremely tough on themselves. They have raised the bar so high that they may never feel truly good about themselves.

This category of perfectionism could look like waiting to seek a promotion or a new job until your resumé is perfect. Others may assure you that you are supremely qualified and capable, but something inside of you holds you back. It may be that you are afraid of failure or rejection. What you don’t realize is that you are your own worst critic!

It’s a message I wish I could shout from the rooftops. But as a therapist, I know that it can take a long time to give up your deeply ingrained beliefs. At first, it can feel scary and quite radical to even entertain the notion that perfectionism is a problem. Initially, most of the perfectionists I work with do not believe that treating yourself with compassion, gentleness, and kindness is the way to go. It’s a big leap of faith! Luckily, therapy can provide a safe space to try on self-compassion and see if any of this self-love business actually holds water. Spoiler alert: it does, it really does!

2. Other-oriented:

A person who demonstrates other-oriented perfectionism may call out what they consider to be flaws or mistakes in other people. Rigid beliefs and expectations are directed outwardly, rather than inwardly. It’s almost like an other-oriented perfectionist has no filter and cannot help but share their opinion. They are constantly focusing on the negative and how things could be “better.” Oof!

This type of perfectionism can be especially damaging to relationships. Other-oriented perfectionists tend to assume their way of doing things is superior, and they may judge or look down on others who have their own unique style. For example, a person with this style of perfectionism may repeatedly yell, scoff, or make passive aggressive statements toward their partner if their partner does not do things “the right way.” Unfortunately, the toxicity may spread, as others around the perfectionist begin to “fall in line” in order to avoid the perfectionist's wrath (i.e., angry outbursts or hurtful, patronizing comments).

This relationship dynamic often breeds resentment. However, psychotherapy can help! A skilled therapist can help this type of perfectionist become more aware of their uptightness. I work with folks to examine how their nit picky behaviors may negatively affect the people they most care about. Over time, counseling can help an other-oriented perfectionist learn to soften, relax, and accept others for who they are.

3. Socially-prescribed:

Much of the research on perfectionism suggests it is rooted in white supremacy and patriarchal systems of power and oppression. The pressure to excel and be perfect is a burden that falls disproportionately on the BIPOC community, LGBTQ+ individuals, religious minorities, and womxn. From a sociological perspective, we could say that perfectionism is a survival mechanism — an adaptation to an unjust, biased world.

Perfectionism is a way to be so undeniably “good” that those in power have no choice but to give you a seat at the table. It is a response to a society that wants to dismiss, ignore, deny, suppress, and erase your right to exist. There are numerous examples of athletes of color who have broken through in overwhelmingly white sports (e.g., tennis, gymnastics, golf, figure skating) by being “perfect.” These athletes have zero room for error, as their accomplishments and talents are routinely questioned and invalidated by those in power. The same is true in countless other industries in which the model of perfection is based in whiteness (e.g., politics, business, film-making, STEM, academia, etc.).

This is a huge topic and if the subject matter resonates with you at all, I highly recommend checking out the following resources:

• The Myth of the Model Minority by Rosalind Chou & Joe Feagin (2014)

• RBG directed by Julie Cohen & Betsy West (2018)

• Becoming by Michelle Obama (2018)

• The Burden of Excellence: A Critical Race Theory Analysis of Perfectionism in Black Students by Janelle Raymundo (2021)

When is perfectionism a personality disorder?

In extreme cases, someone's perfectionist qualities may meet criteria for Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). OCPD is characterized by a preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and control. The preoccupation is severe enough that it interferes with one’s functioning and hinders the development of harmonious relationships. In colloquial terms, we might refer to these folks as “Type A” or “anal retentive.” More favorably, individuals with OCPD are sometimes labeled as “workaholics.” Steve Jobs is a famous example of someone who likely had OCPD.

People with OCPD are obsessed with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. These ultimate perfectionists may spend so much time focusing on inconsequential details that they have trouble finishing tasks. Paradoxically, people with OCPD tend to be excessively worried about “wasting time” even though their own neurotic behaviors lead to an inefficient use of time. In fact, people with OCPD tend to feel uncomfortable with too much “free time.” They typically prefer structured activities and have trouble relaxing or doing something “just for fun.”

Individuals with OCPD can be inflexible, controlling, stubborn, mercilessly self-critical, and annoying to those around them. Frankly, it’s a personality disorder I wish would garner more attention and research.

On a more personal note, I grew up with a father who demonstrated many of these personality traits. It was often hard to watch, as the rigidity and strict adherence to rules can be so painfully self-destructive. I would like to raise public awareness about OCPD so that people know it is a legitimate diagnosis and that treatment is available.

The Benefits of Therapy for Perfectionism

Seeking help for perfectionism takes courage. Clients often fear that giving up their perfectionist tendencies means settling for second best or “throwing in the towel.” Don’t worry! This hippie dippie therapist will not turn you into a lazy, self-indulgent slob. But I will help you let go of the overwhelming burden and pressure caused by a lifetime of perfectionism.

My hope is that one day you will experience what is your birthright — a feeling of unchanging, unshakeable self-worth. It’s an inner knowing. An a-ha recognition that your worth as a human being does not fluctuate. Our minds may tell us otherwise. Society may tell us otherwise. But from a capital-T Truth perspective, nothing can increase self-worth because it doesn’t change in value. Real self-worth is constant.

Some people might hear that and say, “Well, if that’s true why should I try at all? What’s the point in caring?” Think of it this way: Because self-worth doesn’t go up or down, you are free to take chances. You are free to mess up, to make mistakes. You are limitless!

I help my clients understand that chasing perfection is a game you are destined to lose. You are so busy emulating someone else you forget you are already perfect. Please understand, there is nothing wrong with “giving it your all.” But the trick is to “give it your best” and then be okay with the outcome. Because, from a grander perspective, the outcome is always perfect.

Your way is perfect. Your way is perfect because you are perfect. There is no use in striving for perfection. There is nothing the matter with you. Continue to put your whole effort into things. Continue to give your full attention to important tasks. Continue to care. But also know the outcome doesn’t matter.

“Huh? That hurts my brain.” Yep, what we’ve got here folks is a paradox. Holding two seemingly opposite truths at the same time can be challenging. The thing is they’re not contradictory from a non-dualistic perspective. It’s just the mind - which is born of this time, this era of dualism - that tells you it’s a paradox. Anyway, enough philosophizing. Let’s get back to something practical.

Want to start your overcoming your perfectionism today? Here’s a free tip!

Try reframing “mistakes” as moments of learning.

You could take up a hobby for the pure joy and silliness of it. Something like rollerskating or an Italian cooking class, for instance. Notice if you become wrapped up in being good at it or seeking praise from others. Notice if you start to feel bad about yourself because you are not “the best.” The point is to have fun and maybe even laugh at yourself for being so uptight and achievement-focused.

Could it be that it’s okay to not be the best? Could it be that your worth as a human being doesn’t depend on your ability to make fresh angel hair pasta from scratch? I know that’s a tough pill to swallow for a perfectionist, but I’m here to support you through it!

Perfectionism can limit your happiness and make you believe you will never be good enough. I will help you challenge the merits of perfectionism and explore a gentler attitude. You will begin to see “flaws” as a beautiful reminder that you are human. You will be able to participate in all that life has to offer without fear of judgment.

To my sweet fellow perfectionists, it’s time to lighten up!